Episode 49 - Game on

I'm a candle person.  I love to burn them, both for the ambiance and their aromatherapy.  Fall fragrances are my favorite: pumpkin, apple, spice and clove.  Nothing is more relaxing to me than sitting in my living room, watching television or reading, with several apothecary jar candles aflame around the room.

G:  You have your candles lit again I see.

Me:  Yes I do... don't they smell nice?

G:  I'm just surprised they let you have them here.

Me:  They?  Who are "they"?

G:  Well, you know... the owners.  They usually don't allow candles because they are dangerous.

Me:  We are 'they' Mom.  We are the owners. We can burn candles if we want to.

G:  I see.  But they are dangerous.

Me:  I know you weren't allowed to have candles when you lived at D1, but these candles are enclosed... there isn't an open flame.  As long as we are in the same room with them, there's not much danger.

G:  Well, you know they are going to pass a law where you can't burn them.

Me: Who is?

G:  The City.  I don't remember where I was at or who was telling me... maybe I read it in the paper... but they are going to outlaw them because they start fires.

Me: Hmm - guess we'd better enjoy them while we can then.

Last Sunday, Grandma woke up with a sore arm.  She insisted she didn't want to go to church.  DH reminded her that she frequently has aches or pains upon rising, but after taking her medicine she feels better and she always feels better after she's been to church.

G:  I know I can't go.  I can't lift my arm and the pain is terrible.

Me:  That's OK, I already called Mr. and Mrs P. and told them not to pick you up.

G:  I'd really like to go... I just know I can't.

Me:  No problem.

G:  Well what about the golf?  Should we cancel that too?

Me:  Golf?

G:  Yes... I don't think I can golf.  You'd better call and cancel that too.

Me:  Mom, when's the last time you played golf?

G:  Uh... last week I think.

Me:  Really?  How'd you shoot?  Where'd you play?

G:  I don't remember...

Me:  That's right, cuz you haven't golfed in like ten years.

Grandma and I went through her clothes this week and put the summer clothes away and brought out her warmer ones.  Her wardrobe (for all seasons) is made up of elastic waisted slacks.  Arthritic fingers don't mix well with buttons or zippers.  Most of them are of a nice knit fabric that goes from clothes dryer to hanger with no fuss.  Of course Grandma isn't satisfied with the quality of the crease...

G:  Do you have an ironing board?

Me:  Yeah... it's upstairs.  What do you need it for?

G:  I didn't know if you had one or not but I think I need to iron my pants.

Me:  I think they look fine. 

G:  They don't look bad, but I thought we could press them.  (Key word: 'we')

Me: No, they really do look fine.  That's why I hang them up right away when I take them out of the dryer... so we don't need to press them.

G:  I used to have one.  I don't know what happened to it.

Me: I told you I had one... we may have taken yours to Goodwill.

G:  If I could get a ride to my mother's, I'm sure she'd let me borrow hers.

Me: Yes, I'm sure she would... except she died like 47 years ago.

G:  Oh that's right....  I wonder what we did with her ironing board.

And one night this week... DH came home from work to find Grandma's lunch pills still in the cup I'd put them in that morning.

DH:  Grandma, you didn't take your pills.

G:  Yes I did.

DH:  No you didn't.  They are still here on the counter.

G:  Well I took them.  I remember.

DH:  You might be remembering your breakfast pills, but you forgot the ones at lunch.

The rest of the conversation is not print worthy.  Two agitated individuals quarreling over two capsules.  Neither having any interest in backing down.  At work, my cellphone sounds the familiar ringtone signaling a message from DH.

Text Message:  Just got into a shouting match with Grandma because I told her she forgot to take her pills.  I'm in my room.

I text back:  You mean OUR room?

DH text:  Yes OUR room.  Hiding out since I came up and slammed the door. :-\

A few minutes later, "Switzerland" returns home (that would be me...)  Entering the living room:

Me:  Hey Mom... how's it going?

G:  DH is mad at me.

Me:  What's the problem?

G:  He says I didn't take my lunch medicine, but I did.

Me:  These?  (holding up the little cup containing the two capsules.)

G:  Yes.

Me:  Well, since they're still here... I'd say you didn't take them.

Then I go upstairs to see how the other contender was doing.

Me:  Enjoying the quiet?

DH:  There's no use trying to talk to someone who has no sense.

Me:  She says you're 'mad as can be' at her.

DH:  Sometimes she drives me crazy.

Me:  Yeah, me too.

What DH doesn't know is, Grandma rather enjoys arguing with men.   I remember her standing up to my dad and my step-dad.  She's like a dog with a bone... refusing to let anything go, wanting to be the last man standing.  Inevitably, she would push too far.  My dad, step-dad... and now DH - eventually barks back and Grandma becomes the whimpering victim.  The difference now -  she forgets all about it within a short time. 

Yup - Grandma's still got game.

So ends Episode 49

Episode 48 - Three Wishes

Over the past couple weeks, Grandma has expressed a desire for a couple items.  It hasn't been the first time she's mentioned these particular things - but our answers regarding them are typically the same.

G:  I was wondering.

Me: What were you wondering about?

G:  Well, is there any way I could get a drivers license?

Me: No.

G:  There isn't?

Me: No.

G: Why not?

Me: Well, for one thing... you don't have a car anymore.  Why would you need a license?

G:  Oh... just in case I wanted to drive somewhere.

Me:  We take you everywhere you need to go. People from church give you rides there.  I can't think of anywhere you'd need to drive - so you really don't need a license.

G:  I just thought it would be good to have one.

Me:  When we talked to the doctor a couple years ago, she told you "no driving" and "no using the stove."

G:  She did?

Me:  Yes.  So no drivers license.

And then there's the cell phone.  Grandma takes note of every single member of our family using their cell phone. 

G:  Do you think I should get one of those?

DH:  One of what?

G:  What you have there.

DH:  A cell phone?

G:  Yeah.

DH:  Probably not.  You have the land line and the only person you call is Ruby or us if we're not home.

G:  I just thought it would be something I should look into.

Me:  You used to have a cell phone Mom.

G:  I did?

DH:  Yes, when you still drove.  It was good to have when you were away from your apartment a lot.

Me:  But you had trouble pushing the numbers because the keys were small.

And her phone wasn't nearly as small as what cell phones are today.  I had written instructions for her on how to make calls, answer and end a call.... Since she couldn't figure out how to use the "phonebook" (which I had set up with every one's numbers), she had little stickers all over the back and sides of the phone with our numbers written on them.  It was a great source of entertainment for us.

G:  I don't remember having one, but if you say I did...

Me:  You did.... but there's really no reason for you to have one now.  If you really need to make a call - you can always use one of ours.

It was about two years ago when I knew Grandma was slipping a little.  I went to pick her up at D1 to take to a funeral and noticed as she got in the car, that she had the handset to her telephone (land line) in her purse.

Me:  What's with the phone Mom?

G:  I thought I should bring it along.

Me:  To a funeral?  Why?

G:  Well, in case someone tries to get hold of me....

Me:  Mom, that's a regular telephone... It won't work away from your apartment.

G:  Yes it does.  I take it to Harriet's or the Community Room and it works fine.

Me:  That's because it is close to the base.  It won't work at the church... and that's why you have an answering machine.  If someone calls you - they'll leave a message.

G:  Okay.  I'll leave it in the car.

Me:  Good idea.  I'm going to leave my cell phone in the car too.

A few days ago, Grandma wanted to discuss her finances.

G:  I need to know how I'm standing.

DH:  What would you like to know?

G:  Do I still have that annuity?

DH: Yes you do.

G:  I think I'd like to take some money out of it.  There's some things I'd like to buy.

DH:  They automatically send you some money each year.

G:  They do?

DH:  Yes, that's how you set it up

G:  I did?  I don't remember that.

DH:  You set it up a long time ago, when you were remembering things better.  They deposit the money into your account every year.

Me:  What are you thinking about buying Mom?

G:  Oh, just a few things.

Me:  What kind of things?  Maybe we can help you if you tell us what you want.

G:  Well maybe I don't really need them - but I thought if there was some money in the annuity, I could get a pair of slippers.

Me:  Slippers?

G:  I used to have some.  I don't know what I did with them. 

DH:  Grandma - you have plenty of money in your checking account to get slippers.

Me:  Mom... you just need to tell us when you want something.

At this point, she's probably thinking... "Yeah.... that worked real well for me with the drivers license and cell phone..."

Friday night, DH and I went shopping... CeCe went with us.  At Walmart I announced we needed to look for slippers for Grandma.  We found some fluffy ankle high ones in pink or black.  I rang Grandma up (on the land line).

Me:  Hey - we're here getting your slippers.  Would you like pink or black?

G:  Oh, I don't know.  Black would probably go with more things.

Me:  That's true, but it's not like you're going to wear them out and about.

G:  OK ... just get the black.

I put the black slippers in the cart when CeCe saw some moccasins.

CeCe:  Get Grandma some moccasins!

Me:  So you can wear them?

CeCe:  No, really.  Get her the moccasins.

Hmmm.  Fuzzy inside... firm sole...  it just might work.  I looked for her size.

CeCe:  Get brown.

Who am I to argue?

We got home and presented Grandma with her new slippers.  I told DH to hang onto the receipt, we could be taking them both back.

G:  Which ones do you think I should keep?

Me:  Keep em both Mom - you're worth it.

G:  I probably don't need two pair.

After a while, she announces:

G:  I think I like these. (the moccasins - score CeCe!)

The next morning, she decided she wanted to keep them both... and we applauded her choice to do so.  She was happy and we were probably happier.  With all the times we have to be the bad guys (and after the last episode, DH refers to himself in the third person as "Good DH" and "Bad DH") it was nice to make her happy (without going to the Bank!)

So ends Episode 48

Episode 47 - Morning is Broken

Getting out of the house in the morning is a challenge for many families.  DH leaves for work a little past 6:30 a.m.  CeCe and I aim to be out the door no later than 7:50.  I drop her off a short distance from her school and then go on to work myself.  Compared to what my mornings were like a couple dozen years ago... these days are a cake walk. 

Occasionally however, the cake walk runs amuck.  One morning this week, as I was putting on my make-up in the bathroom near the kitchen, Grandma commented that the "last banana" was looking overly ripe.  I had noticed it earlier and it was definitely a day or two past its prime.

G:  What do you want me to do with it?

Me:  Throw it away.

G:  Do you want to save it for anything?

Me:  No, just throw it away.

G:  Should I put it in the trash can or down the garbage disposal?

Me:  I don't care.

G:  Do you think it will go down the garbage disposal?

Me:  I'm sure it will.

G:  Maybe I'll just put it in the trash.

Me: No, the trash doesn't go out for a couple days... better put it down the disposal.

By now I've moved to making my lunch.  As I'm squatting at the open refrigerator, looking for fruit in the crisper, Grandma peers over the door... eyeing a jug of milk on the bottom shelf.

G:  I didn't know we had more milk.

Me:  Yes, but use up the other first.

G:  It's bad.

Me:  This milk?  (looking up to the almost empty jug inside the door shelf)

G:  Yes... I put it on my cereal and it's sour.

Me:  So why did you leave it in the refrigerator?  You should have thrown it out.

G:  Well I think you'd better taste it.

Me:  Why would I want to taste it?  I trust you to know bad milk.

G:  Here ... just smell it.

Me:  I DON'T WANNA SMELL IT....

G:  So what should I do with it?

Me:  Put it down the garbage disposal.

The old insinkerator is getting a good workout today.

Grandma asked if I could get her some music before we left and I said of course.  As I was getting the program, I noticed her whiteboard was smudged.

Me:  You need to be very careful when handling the whiteboard Mom.  You smudged the letters and now it's hard to read.

G:  I didn't do that.

Me:  I'm sure you didn't mean to, but if you touch the writing, it comes off easily.

G:  I didn't touch it. 

Me:  Mom - you're the only one who's had it.  Maybe you laid something on top of it.  You just need to be careful because the writing will come off.

G:  Well, I'm not naming names... but I saw several people handling it. 

Me:  There hasn't been anyone else here.

G:  Then I guess I'll take the blame.... but I didn't do it.

This morning, Grandma dug out a couple insurance EOBs that each had -0- balance due.

G:  Have you looked at these?

Me:  We talked about them a few days ago.  You don't owe anything.

G:  Do we have to send it back?

Me:  No, just put it in your file.

G:  Should we have DH look at it?

Me:  He did look at it.

G:  How about the other guy?

Me:  What other guy?

G:  The other one who's here.  I think his name is DH too.

Me:  Mom, I don't know what you're talking about.

G:  Oh, I guess I don't either ... aren't there two men who live here?

Me:  That's news to me.  I know I only have one husband...

G:  Well, I know that.

Me:  So unless you have a man hidden in the basement....

G:  No...(laughing) I don't have any man in the basement.

Me:  I didn't think so.

I'm not sure where she came up with that one.  Maybe she's conjured up DH's alter-ego.... like Clark Kent and Superman.  We have the wonderful, kind, caring DH who helps take care of her ... and then that stern brute who rips up her junk mail and tells her not to feed the dogs. 

Yup... getting out the door is a half day's work.

So ends Episode 47

Episode 46 - Weekend Woe

I love weekends.  I actually love my job too - but there's nothing like Friday and an anticpated weekend.   There's also nothing like fifty-some hours with Grandma to make going back to work on Monday not look all that bad.

For CeCe's homecoming last weekend, I French manicured her nails.  While watching football on television yesterday afternoon, I manicured my own similarly.  Grandma had taken note of CeCe's nails and now mine also.

G:  What's that you are doing to your nails?

Me:  I'm just painting the tips - then I let them dry... shape the tips and put clear polish over it.

G:  Could you do that to mine?

Me:  Uh... sure.

G:  I think it looks nice.

So I pull up the footstool and dab white polish on the tips of each of Grandma's nails.

Me:  I'll shape them when we get home.

G:  Where are you going?

Me:  Remember? We're taking CeCe to get her picture taken.

G:  No I guess I didn't remember.  When will you be home?

Me:  We'll be home before Lawrence Welk gets over.

By the time CeCe was ready and we were heading out the door, Grandma asked for the third time where we were going.  I told her once again then tuned in Public Television (her Saturday night companion) and headed for the car.  The photo session was fun... DH stayed in the car until the IOWA game was over and then joined us to choose a pose.  The final selection was a casual full body shot that the three of us agreed upon. 

As we headed home, I again looked at the picture and commented:  Grandma will take one look at this and say, "Couldn't she have worn a pair of pants without a hole in them?"  We all laughed.

Minutes later we walk into the house, to the strains of Jim Roberts singing a tune from the 60's (and not 60's rock ... more like 60's Broadway). 

G:  You're home!

Me:  Yes we are....

G:  Oh this music has been just wonderful.

Me:  Look at CeCe's picture....   Isn't it good?

G:  It sure is.... (pause) Too bad about the hole in the knee.

I high-fived  DH.  Life with Grandma is nothing if it isn't predictable.

I proceeded to shape Grandma's nails while DH made her supper.  I added the clear topcoat and she seemed pleased.



NM's hand on top of Grandma's



 We did her shower and hair after Lawrence Welk was over - then off she went to bed, still admiring her nails.

This morning - DH, CeCe and I prepared to leave for our church's first service.  Grandma was dressed, had her cane, purse and offering.  Her ride would be here about 9:15.  We've learned that too much time can be just as dangerous as too little, so I asked DH to put an hour long Gaither program on for her.  It was 8:16.

Me:  Mom - Mr. and Mrs. F. will be here about the time the music is over...

G:  OK

Me:  We're going to church now - we'll  be here when you get home.  OK?

G:  OK

Me:  Bye

We were to our church in twelve minutes.  I have begun (deliberately) to leave my phone in the car when I go into church.  It doesn't get good service inside and I don't care for the distraction.  DH, on the other hand - just puts his on vibrate and keeps it on his belt.  Throughout the service today, he was getting buzzed ... signaling incoming emails.  He ignored them.  As service ended and we walked out into the foyer, DH checked the phone and announced, "Grandma has called you five times" (recall the "Message Manager" feature that notifies us by email when a call comes in or goes out from our house?)

When we got to the car, I retrieved my phone... 5 missed calls ... 4 new voice messages.  *Sigh* - I dialed voicemail.

VM: You have four new messages.

8:45 a.m. - I want to know if the front door can be locked when I go out....

9:01 a.m. - I am trying to wait for them to come pick me up.  It is now 9:00 and I have been waiting since twenty of.  I don't know who to call.  I guess I will try the church.  Bye.

9:08 a.m. - This is me. And I have been waiting here at the church for them to come and pick me up... and no one has come yet and I've been down here since twenty of nine.  Anyway - no one is here and I don't know what to do.  I'll have to get somebody.  That's it I guess.

9:14 a.m. - I am trying to call the Methodist Church and I can't get through to you... them.  I am calling on the cell number I have but can't get through.  I am going to dial '1' now.  (Which marked the message URGENT)

That was the last call.  I'm sure, as always... Mr. and Mrs. F. picked her up between 9:15-9:25 as they always have.  Grandma had obviously walked out on the Gaithers - opting to sit and wait (impatiently) on the front porch for her ride.

Me:  AAUUUGHH  This is why I don't take my phone in the church!

DH:  She just can't remember when they come.

Me:  They ALWAYS come at 9:15....

DH:  We need to write it down.  In fact, we're going to go right now and get a white board..... we need to write things down so she has it right in front of her.... 

And so we did.

And yes .... tomorrow is Monday... Yippee!  

So ends Episode 46

Episode 45 - Friends in High Places

Thomas Jefferson once said, "In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock."  This philosophy (slightly modified) could describe how we deal with Grandma.  The modification would read something like this:  "In matters of grandiose memories, go with the flow; in matters of safety (hers) and survival (ours), you do whatever it takes."

I've mentioned before, Grandma's "connections" with some fairly famous people.  She's golfed with Barack Obama... was taught musical direction by Lawrence Welk... knows many of the musicians on the Gaithers and didn't really know what to think about the accusations about her friend Tiger Woods.  Of course, Ellen DeGeneres has lived in our community for many years.  We let it go.  We smile/smirk... sometimes instant message or text one another (if we are in the same room with her) or simply ignore it and change the subject.  It's the easiest and kindest thing to do.

But there are times when 'easy' is hard, ignoring is impossible and though still being "kind" - we just have to take things a little further.  We want details on the little fantasies that travel through her mind.  Is she 'name dropping' to impress us or does she truly believe what she's saying?  Inquiring minds want to know!

DH and I like the 'reality game shows' like Biggest Loser, Amazing Race and The Apprentice.  We even started watching Dancing with the Stars this year (which Grandma really enjoys).  One night this past week, Grandma stayed up past her bedtime and it just happened DH and I were watching The Apprentice.  She asked us several questions about what was happening on the program and we gave her a quick rundown of the task the two teams had been given to do.  She watched with us quietly until it came time for the board room, at which point, Grandma announced to us that she knows Donald Trump.  We let it pass.  Then again:

G:  Yes, I've known him for years.

Me:  And how do you know Donald Trump?

G:  Well, I didn't know him very well.  I'm sure he wouldn't remember me.

Me:  But you've met him?

G:  Oh yes.  He used to come into the office with the other coaches to see your Dad.  Dad's the one who really knew him.  I just knew him because of Dad.

DH:  That would have been a long time ago.  Glenn's been dead almost 30 years.  Donald Trump would have been pretty young.

G:  Yes, it was a long time ago... but he always liked to stop by and talk to Dad.  He was a coach.

DH:  I think he's in real estate... in New York.

G:  He was a coach when we knew him... and I'm sure he wouldn't remember me.  But he'd remember Dad.

Me:  Donald Trump knew Dad.... ?

G:  Yes.

And there you have it... a little of OUR reality within a reality program.  It's difficult to talk her out of these notions and so we do our best to accommodate her illusions.  I think it's fairly harmless and to quote The Donald:  "Sometimes by losing a battle, you find a new way to win the war."

So ends Episode 45

Episode 44 - Mistaken Identity

I ran into another blog follower last night.  I hate that people notice I'm not writing, yet I love that they miss reading. Does that make sense?  DH told the follower that one day is pretty much like the next and I noted it was the 8 month anniversary of Grandma moving in with us. 

My original intention with blogging was self-therapy.  I think as it turned to entertainment (for others) I felt stress.... and summer brought other stresses ... which compiled with daily living...  found me no longer seeing the humor in Grandma's antics that I had previously.... or in much else really. 

I do miss writing and hearing from those who follow; therefore, I've decided to shorten my episodes in hopes of blogging more often. Maybe I should call them snippets instead of episodes... but that would require me starting over at Snippet 1... Blah!  

So....

Sunday while I was folding clothes, Grandma came into the laundry room clasping a picture frame against her chest.

G:  I have something to show you.

Me:  What's that?

G:  Well, I don't know if you have any pictures of yourself from when you were in high school, but I ran across one of me that I wanted to show you.

Me:  Oh I'm sure you have pictures of me downstairs.

G:  Look at this.  (she turns the frame around).  I don't know how old I was.

Me:  Mom, that's not you.  That's me.

G:  No it isn't.

Me:  Yes it is. 

G:  I don't think so.

Me:  Well I know so.

Grandma looked at the 8x10 black and white photo.  My obviously blonde hair fell below my shoulders and though Grandma's hair has not always been gray, it was never blonde and the pictures I've seen of her in her youth generally found her with a tight 1940's style perm.



Grandma at 18



G:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes I am.  I was 16.

She walked away still looking at the picture. 

My whole life people have told me "you look like your mother".  Until the other day... I didn't know how much my mother thought she looked like me!

So ends Episode 44