Episode 50 - Boobie Trapped

This was an eventful week for Grandma.  For a woman who likes to be on a schedule, she was elated to have two appointments on two consecutive days.  On Monday, she had a mammogram and Tuesday - she went to the polls to do her civic duty and cast her vote in the mid-term elections.

A year ago or so, Grandma's doctor and I discussed her health history and determined that unless there was cause for concern, we would forego preventive tests like mammograms and colonoscopies.  She has always passed with flying colors and some tests are physically wearing.  With that said... Grandma announced two weeks ago:  "I think I have a lump in my breast.  Do you want to feel it?"

DH:  I'm outta here.

Me:  Actually Mom, we see your doctor on Tuesday so why don't we let him check it out?

My mind took me back to my first mammogram when there was this little rubber boob in the waiting area.  There was a sign encouraging you to do a mock "self exam" and see if you could detect any lumps (ie: cysts).  I kneaded the little boob for a couple minutes and then sat down to wait my turn.  When I was called back the technician questioned me.

Tech:  Do you do self breast exams?

Me:  Well, not exactly.

Tech:  Did you see the breast replica in the waiting room?

Me:  Yes I did as a matter of fact.

Tech:  How many lumps did you find?
Me:  Actually none - it checked out fine.

Tech:  There were eight.

Me:  No way.... really?

So unless Mom's lump was the size of Jupiter ... I felt waiting for a professional was our best option.

Two days later we saw the doctor. He too found Grandma's lump and though he didn't think it was serious, he scheduled a mammogram.

Dr:  The mobile unit will be in town Monday, is that OK?

Me:  That will be fine.

Monday comes and Grandma calls me twice at work to be sure she has 'everything' right. 

Me:  Mom, it's on the whiteboard.  3:00.  I'll be there shortly after 2:45, just be ready.

G:    Well, I'm ready now so that won't be a problem.

Me:  You didn't use deodorant or perfume did you?

G:    Yes, why?

Me:  You're not supposed to do that... messes with their machines or something.  Take your shirt off and just wash.

G:    Well, that's going to take a while.

Me:  You have plenty of time.

At 3:00 we pull into the clinic parking lot where the "Mam-mobile" is parked.

G:  I want the doctor to look at these veins while we're here.

Me:  We aren't seeing the doctor today... we're just getting your mammogram, remember?

G:  Oh.  (As we get out of the car, she takes off toward the office building)

Me:  Mom!  We aren't going in there... it's over here.

Grandma turns around to see the mobile unit and gives me her "Well, I never..." look.  We rang the bell and the technician came out and assisted Grandma into the unit by way of a hydraulic platform.

Me:  That was pretty cool huh?  Just like Adventureland.

G:  I guess.  What do we do now?

Tech:  Take a seat over there.  We need some information and then I'll take you back here.

Grandma and I sat down next to the receptionist who proceeded to ask the normal series of questions.  I let Grandma answer unless she looked at me, unsure herself of the answer.  She was doing fine until:

Receptionist:  Are you married, widowed or divorced?

G:  I was married.... 

Receptionist:  You're married now?  (Grandma looks at me.)

G:  Yes

Me:  No Mom, you're not married....  You're uh... divorced.

G:  I am?  I didn't know that.

Me:  Well Dad died... and Dale died too... but not until after you were divorced.

G:  I knew he was dead, I didn't remember the divorce.

Me: (to receptionist)  Can you just put single?

The remainder of the questions were much easier.  After they were over, the receptionist explained that the results of the test would be sent to Grandma as well as to her doctor's office.

Receptionist:  If we find we need more pictures, we'll contact you within the next few days.

Grandma stared at her blankly.  She then turns to me:

G:  I don't think I have any pictures of my breasts. Do you?

Me:  No Mom - not photos... she means x-rays... if they need more x-rays.

G:  That's good...

Grandma went back with the technician and returned a short time later.

G:  That hurt.

Me:  Yeah, they have quite the vice grips huh?

G:  I hope I don't have to do that again.  (Me too, I thought.)

A couple days later, we got the call from the doctor's office that everything looked fine on the mammogram, which only goes to show that peace of mind is greater than the effort to get a Grand-mammogram!

The next day was Election Day.  In "her day" Grandma was a force to be reckoned with on the political front.  She was active in the Republican party and had her name on the ballot a few times, as well. 

Ring! (my office phone)

Me:  Hello?

G:  It's me.  When are we going to go vote?

Me:  Uh, when I get home from work?

G:  When will that be?

Me:  Same as always... 4:30 or so.

G:   OK.  I'll wait then.  I was pretty sure it was today.

I actually left work a bit early thinking we'd get to the polls and back ahead of the rush.

G:  Can we talk about this again?  I'm not sure I remember everyone's name.

Me:  It's OK.  I'll be with you.  Remember last time?  We sign a paper that allows me to sit with you while you vote.

G:  Well, let's do that again.

As soon as we walked into the polling place, Grandma was greeted by a woman she used to golf with years ago.  She was working at the sign in table.  We signed the little paper allowing me to assist her and she was given her ballot.  We went to the back of the room where she took a seat and I stood over her shoulder. 

G:  Do I have to fill in ALL these circles?

Me:  Well, just the ones you want to vote for.

G:  Oh dear.

Me:  You can vote a straight ticket it you want...

G:  How many circles do I fill in?

Me:  Just one.

G:  Let's do that.  I don't remember all their names anyway.

Grandma meticulously colored in her circle and left wearing her "I voted" sticker.

G:  What school is this?  (she said as we headed to the car.)

Me:  It's not a school, it's the Catholic Church.

G:  It does look sort of like a church.

Me:  I imagine you were used to voting at City Hall.

G:  I think so.

I returned to the church an hour later with DH to cast my own ballot.  The lady who used to golf with Grandma was still there and commented how nice it was to see her.

Me:  Yeah, I could have gotten her an absentee, but I thought she'd like to actually come to the polls.  I may rethink it next time.

A few hours later, DH, Grandma and I sat in the living room watching election returns.  The network aired a pre-recorded clip of President Obama campaigning for a senator seeking re-election.

G:  Did he get re-elected?

DH:  The senator?  The voting isn't over yet.

G:  No, the President ... did he win?

DH:  He wasn't running.

G::  He wasn't?  He's sure been on TV a lot.

DH:  No. He's not running for two more years.

 So there ya have it - Grandma's eventful week.  Mammogramed on a truck ... Voted in a church ... and a few boobs on the ballot.

So ends Episode 50