As you may recall, I was raised an only child. I never dealt first hand with siblings, vying for my parents' attention or sharing things I considered mine alone. Raising three sons was a gradual transition... you have one, then another... and another. There was a good share of fighting and rivalry, but I was a savvy mom who rolled with the punches (maybe threw a few too) and the boys survived their childhoods.
When CeCe came into my life, I had quite an adjustment. Never having had a sister, or a daughter before - I was not accustomed to my hair brush disappearing or slumber parties with non-stop giggling. I had to learn how to French braid hair and to recognize the latest teenage heart-throb (yesterday it was the Jonas Brothers but today, it's Robert Pattinson).
DH and I raising CeCe frequently puts me in mind of my own upbringing... an only daughter in a family of three...
And then came Grandma.
It wasn't gradual (I mean, with pregnancy you at least get 9 months) ... and the age gap is slightly greater than normal (70 years) As for a period of adjustment - it is still ongoing. One, because new situations continue to arise, and two, because Grandma tends to frequently forget so every situation can be "new" to her. Raising CeCe and having Grandma is the epitome of the Generation Gap. Not every family is like the Waltons.
CeCe and Grandma have been acquainted for nearly five years. In that time, CeCe has gone from a ten year old child to a fifteen year old "teenager" with accompanying attitude. She likes to spend time in her room, with her friends and basically doing what she wants to do. She has rules, responsibilities, curfews and consequences. Since CeCe and DH lived with his Dad as he struggled with memory loss, the circumstances aren't as dramatically different, as is the 9 year old she 'was' and the 15 year old she has become. There are occasions when CeCe's graciousness may be lacking - but for the most part, I think she's respectful.
This can't always be said about Grandma.
It's been a long while since Grandma has resided with a teenager (about 40 years). In that time, many things have changed ... for instance, cell phones have replaced teen lines, but other things have not... Teenage girls still leave their shoes wherever they take them off... and they have a LOT of shoes.
CeCe likes to cover up while watching TV - she doesn't especially care for returning her blanket to where she got it. Grandma feels inclined to comment about these things, at her own discretion.... (or indiscretion).
Grandma likes her cookies (store bought for those who know me well) and I think she counts them. When CeCe has a friend over, they have been known to consume a few (or all) the cookies. To counter the attack, DH and I buy cookies with raisins (which Grandma loves and CeCe abhors).
Grandma has pretty much taken over the main level living room for a certain number of hours in the day. This has annoyed CeCe who enjoys lounging when she's not in school (and sadly, she is not a fan of Lawrence Welk.)
CeCe has grown accustomed to the supply of juice packets we keep on hand for Grandma and enjoys partaking of them. We're fine with that. Juice drinks have to be better for her than soda, but when she uses the last one - she typically fails to replenish the supply in the refrigerator or leaves several partially drank packets lying around.
Grandma thinks CeCe runs around "half naked" (never mind it's hot, humid and what she chooses to wear or that we keep the house warm to make Grandma happy.)
CeCe (when recently grounded from her cell phone) told Grandma she couldn't use the house phone when she picked up the extension and began dialing.
CeCe: Grandma - you can't use the phone. I'm using it.
Grandma reports to us that CeCe has been using HER phone. We explain to her that it is the house phone and all of us make calls on it. Grandma insists CeCe was using HER phone (picking up and showing us the cordless phone by her chair).
Me: It's all the same Mom - we have like ten phones in the house... they are all on one line.
G: So I can't use my phone?
Me: Not when someone else is using it.
G: What if someone is trying to call me?
Me: They can leave a message and you can call them back later (as in, when we get home).
She's not buying it and she's not happy.
School has been out for three weeks. There's probably six more before it begins again. It will be an interesting, character building period of time that we can either referee or ignore. We choose to merely monitor. We want to keep CeCe respectful and compassionate - but Grandma within her bounds.
Me: Mom, you don't remember when I was CeCe's age. All the friends I had over... the messes we made... the trouble we'd get into. I doubt very much that my Grandma would have been able to handle it - just like you have trouble now.
G: I don't remember Grandma having any problems with you.
Me: No, I imagine you don't - She didn't have a chance.
G: She didn't? Why not?
Me: You put her in a nursing home.
So ends Episode 33
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Episode 32 - Nana Mama's Daddy
Following, is not the episode I planned to post this week. The pre-empted episode will no doubt find its way here shortly, but today - it is being set aside, for the one that has been writing itself most of my life. Since today is Father's Day, I've chosen to blog about someone near and dear to my heart, as well as to Grandma's ... and that would be, Nana Mama's Daddy.
My Dad was 42 years old when I was born. As many men his age were welcoming their grandchildren into the world... Dad welcomed me (calling me his "Pride and Joy"). I always knew my very existence was precious to him and although his love wasn't contingent on anything I did - he continually pushed me to succeed. I imagine he was responsible for some of my successes too, because I don't remember wanting 'them' as much as I wanted to please him. I was definitely Daddy's Girl.
As I have stated before, my Mom did not have the benefit of that kind of upbringing. I'm not sure she ever felt loved by her father and any affirmation came from what she did, not for whom she was. When she married my Dad, her life changed dramatically and he treated her like a queen. There was a 13 year age difference between them. I don't think Mom could ever let go of her "performance mentality' but it didn't matter, as Dad encouraged and supported her in all her activities. My parents were "partners" - in business, home and social activities. It was sometimes interesting with both their Type A personalities - but they were happily married for 35 years, until death did they part.
I was 27 years old when my Dad passed away. My Mom was the age that I am now. The only child I had when Dad died, was twenty-three and a half months old - the exact age his first born child is now. The years have flown by. My first few Father's Days after Dad passed away, were very difficult - in part because few people my age had lost their fathers. Eventually they got easier... time eases pain - I celebrated memories.
For some reason, it has been harder again this year.
Since Mom came to live with us, she has revitalized Dad's presence. She enjoys reminiscing and telling stories about their life together. I am happy she can remember and don't even mind when her memories are slightly skewed. Mom's advancing age has brought back memories of my own - like when my Dad's mother was put in a nursing home at age 83. He hated it. I remember at age 14, running from the nursing home in tears because Grandma was tied in a chair and mumbled incoherently. She had only been there a few months. Dad followed me outside and tried to comfort me. It was just as hard for him to see her like that.
When my Dad was dying of cancer, he said he wanted to die at home. Mom did everything she could so that could happen. I recall talking with Dad in the days before he passed away. I don't remember his telling or asking me to 'take care' of Mom. There was no need to at that time. But nearly three decades later, as her memory began to fail and her physical stamina waned, I will not pretend that my Dad didn't have an influence on my wanting Mom to live with us.
Because, someday I am going to meet him again. It may be when I'm as old as Mom... or it may be before she dies... no matter. When it happens, I'll be able to look at him and tell him, as I did with the other events of my youth, "I did my best Dad..... I kept her happy and safe, for as long as I could."
It's one of the ways I live to honor him. Happy Father's Day Dad!
So ends Episode 32
My Dad was 42 years old when I was born. As many men his age were welcoming their grandchildren into the world... Dad welcomed me (calling me his "Pride and Joy"). I always knew my very existence was precious to him and although his love wasn't contingent on anything I did - he continually pushed me to succeed. I imagine he was responsible for some of my successes too, because I don't remember wanting 'them' as much as I wanted to please him. I was definitely Daddy's Girl.
As I have stated before, my Mom did not have the benefit of that kind of upbringing. I'm not sure she ever felt loved by her father and any affirmation came from what she did, not for whom she was. When she married my Dad, her life changed dramatically and he treated her like a queen. There was a 13 year age difference between them. I don't think Mom could ever let go of her "performance mentality' but it didn't matter, as Dad encouraged and supported her in all her activities. My parents were "partners" - in business, home and social activities. It was sometimes interesting with both their Type A personalities - but they were happily married for 35 years, until death did they part.
I was 27 years old when my Dad passed away. My Mom was the age that I am now. The only child I had when Dad died, was twenty-three and a half months old - the exact age his first born child is now. The years have flown by. My first few Father's Days after Dad passed away, were very difficult - in part because few people my age had lost their fathers. Eventually they got easier... time eases pain - I celebrated memories.
For some reason, it has been harder again this year.
Since Mom came to live with us, she has revitalized Dad's presence. She enjoys reminiscing and telling stories about their life together. I am happy she can remember and don't even mind when her memories are slightly skewed. Mom's advancing age has brought back memories of my own - like when my Dad's mother was put in a nursing home at age 83. He hated it. I remember at age 14, running from the nursing home in tears because Grandma was tied in a chair and mumbled incoherently. She had only been there a few months. Dad followed me outside and tried to comfort me. It was just as hard for him to see her like that.
When my Dad was dying of cancer, he said he wanted to die at home. Mom did everything she could so that could happen. I recall talking with Dad in the days before he passed away. I don't remember his telling or asking me to 'take care' of Mom. There was no need to at that time. But nearly three decades later, as her memory began to fail and her physical stamina waned, I will not pretend that my Dad didn't have an influence on my wanting Mom to live with us.
Because, someday I am going to meet him again. It may be when I'm as old as Mom... or it may be before she dies... no matter. When it happens, I'll be able to look at him and tell him, as I did with the other events of my youth, "I did my best Dad..... I kept her happy and safe, for as long as I could."
It's one of the ways I live to honor him. Happy Father's Day Dad!
So ends Episode 32
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Episode 31 - Musical Magic
As I have mentioned before, Grandma sometimes becomes agitated, frustrated or depressed. This, in addition to her occasional confusion, makes for some fairly stressful moments for all of us.
Now I don't claim to have any medical expertise... I've not studied psychology... and I wouldn't know an endorphin if it bit me. I have however, discovered a fountain of bliss for Grandma, (who by the way, takes no anti-depressants). This past week, we have broadcast during the daytime hours, on our living room television, pretty much non-stop Lawrence Welk and Classic Gospel programming (with a little Guy Lombardo thrown in for good measure).
In the past, we have turned on a musical program for Grandma before we'd leave for somewhere or at night when she went to bed. But now, thanks to the marvels of technology ... we have discovered the "remote access" capability of our satellite dish!
Remote Access allows us to control either of the DVR's in our house via the Internet. If we are at work and Grandma is in the living room at home... one of us can cue up Mr. Welk or Mr. Gaither in mere seconds. We have acquired a nice library of recordings over the past few months and I keep a little log of what episodes she's viewed and the time I start it. If more than 60 minutes go by, my phone may ring at work, signaling that I have shirked my duties. I glance at the clock and the log - and quickly maximize the satellite website. As I answer my telephone... I click on and start another episode.
Me: Hello.
G: Hi, this is.... uh never mind, it's back on!
Amazing! Not only does this mood altering music seem to tranquilize Grandma, it brings out the best in her. We return home in the afternoon to find her gleeful.
G: Oh, the music was just wonderful today. I loved it. So many of the songs I remember playing on my saxophone. My fingers remember the notes!
Me: That's wonderful Mom. We're glad you enjoy it.
G: I do, I do. Those songs just take me back. I remember dancing with your Dad.
Me: I'm sure you do.
At this point Grandma stands and wiggles her arthritis riddled body., stepping to the side with her arms raised.
G: Sammy, I wish you could dance with me.
Grandma says she thinks she'd like to get some of her girl friends together to enjoy this music.....
G: Do you suppose we could get a man to come dance with us?
I stifle a laugh and look at DH, who sits stoically in his chair with his laptop. I shoot him a look that says, "Hey honey, here is your opportunity to show off your moves" He returns one that nips any chance of his being an extra-marital dance partner.
It doesn't matter... Grandma is happy.
Late one afternoon this past week, a storm came up and we once again lost our electricity. It was almost a replay of the outage a few weeks ago. We all sat quietly in the living room, anticipating the return of the power. I'm certain Grandma was especially irritated that her programs weren't on. After thirty minutes or so, Grandma looks at me.
G: Well, you aren't going to even try to fix the electricity.
Me: Mom, I didn't even take Physics. I don't know anything about electricity.
DH: The Electric Company will fix it. We just need to be patient.
I'm thinking we should have bought that generator we saw on clearance a month or so ago.
The lights come back on and so do the musical programs. I'm grateful for both.... as well as remote access via the Internet!
Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you, Here's a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true. And now 'til we meet again, Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen... Good Night!
So ends Episode 31.
Now I don't claim to have any medical expertise... I've not studied psychology... and I wouldn't know an endorphin if it bit me. I have however, discovered a fountain of bliss for Grandma, (who by the way, takes no anti-depressants). This past week, we have broadcast during the daytime hours, on our living room television, pretty much non-stop Lawrence Welk and Classic Gospel programming (with a little Guy Lombardo thrown in for good measure).
In the past, we have turned on a musical program for Grandma before we'd leave for somewhere or at night when she went to bed. But now, thanks to the marvels of technology ... we have discovered the "remote access" capability of our satellite dish!
Remote Access allows us to control either of the DVR's in our house via the Internet. If we are at work and Grandma is in the living room at home... one of us can cue up Mr. Welk or Mr. Gaither in mere seconds. We have acquired a nice library of recordings over the past few months and I keep a little log of what episodes she's viewed and the time I start it. If more than 60 minutes go by, my phone may ring at work, signaling that I have shirked my duties. I glance at the clock and the log - and quickly maximize the satellite website. As I answer my telephone... I click on and start another episode.
Me: Hello.
G: Hi, this is.... uh never mind, it's back on!
Amazing! Not only does this mood altering music seem to tranquilize Grandma, it brings out the best in her. We return home in the afternoon to find her gleeful.
G: Oh, the music was just wonderful today. I loved it. So many of the songs I remember playing on my saxophone. My fingers remember the notes!
Me: That's wonderful Mom. We're glad you enjoy it.
G: I do, I do. Those songs just take me back. I remember dancing with your Dad.
Me: I'm sure you do.
At this point Grandma stands and wiggles her arthritis riddled body., stepping to the side with her arms raised.
G: Sammy, I wish you could dance with me.
Grandma says she thinks she'd like to get some of her girl friends together to enjoy this music.....
G: Do you suppose we could get a man to come dance with us?
I stifle a laugh and look at DH, who sits stoically in his chair with his laptop. I shoot him a look that says, "Hey honey, here is your opportunity to show off your moves" He returns one that nips any chance of his being an extra-marital dance partner.
It doesn't matter... Grandma is happy.
Late one afternoon this past week, a storm came up and we once again lost our electricity. It was almost a replay of the outage a few weeks ago. We all sat quietly in the living room, anticipating the return of the power. I'm certain Grandma was especially irritated that her programs weren't on. After thirty minutes or so, Grandma looks at me.
G: Well, you aren't going to even try to fix the electricity.
Me: Mom, I didn't even take Physics. I don't know anything about electricity.
DH: The Electric Company will fix it. We just need to be patient.
I'm thinking we should have bought that generator we saw on clearance a month or so ago.
The lights come back on and so do the musical programs. I'm grateful for both.... as well as remote access via the Internet!
Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you, Here's a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true. And now 'til we meet again, Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen... Good Night!
So ends Episode 31.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Episode 30 - The Difference
It has been another one of those weeks. Grandma has had some frustrations with the house rules and let me know she may be moving out.
Me: Why do you want to move out?
G: Well, I don't do what you want me to do.
Me: We just ask that you follow the same rules we follow Mom. Where do you think you'd go if you left here?
G: I haven't decided. I'll have to talk to my family. (the family she refers to would be my boys, her grandsons) I know they'd come and get me but I'm not sure who I'd stay with.
Me: Do you really think you'd be happier somewhere else? And is it worth more to you to live somewhere else than to not feed the dogs your lunch?
G: I don't know.
I was away from the house a couple hours yesterday morning. Grandma said she wanted to take a walk. DH told her she could do so, but not to cross the street. (We actually live in a unique area where you can walk around a three block perimeter without crossing a street.) He set the timer on the stove for 10 minutes, figuring if she wasn't back by then, he'd go on a search and rescue mission.
Ten minutes later, the timer sounds and DH puts on his shoes to go hunt Grandma down. She comes in the back door.
DH: I was just coming to look for you.
G: I went to Ace Hardware.
DH: Ace Hardware? You have to cross two streets to get there. You weren't supposed to cross any streets.
G: It was just a couple. I've been there before.
DH: But you're not to cross the street.
G: Then how could I get there?
Grandma and DH are now officially on the 'outs' ... each feeling the other is unreasonable. I return home to civil silence.
G: He's mad at me. Why can't I go to Ace Hardware?
Me: Mom, you got lost a week ago. We told you we can't let you cross the street unless someone is with you. What did you need at Ace?
G: I don't know, but I have shopped there for years.
Me: I realize that - but you didn't say you wanted to go there. DH didn't expect you to cross streets. He was ready to go look for you... I'm sure the last thing he wanted was to have to tell me when I came home that he's let you go for a walk and you never came back.
The civil silence now extends to me.
This morning I tell Grandma we need to do her shower. She's not happy but goes begrudgingly. During her shower, she seems much easier to reason with. When I got in to wash her back and hair, she said, "You take such good care of me."
Me: That's right, I do... do you think the boys (her grandsons) would give you this good a shower? (One son has compassionately told me that when "I" get old, he will gladly come over once a week and hose me down...)
G: (Laughing) No, I don't think so.
Me: So when you get mad at me... remember I'm just trying to take care of you and keep you safe.
G: I know that, and I don't get mad at you.
Me: Yes you do, and that's OK. You're mostly just frustrated about the things you can't do that you used to do. If you want to go to Ace Hardware, and we're home - that's OK. Just tell us. At least we'll know where to start looking if you don't come home.
G: I'm sorry. I know I get confused. Do the boys?
Me: Do they what?
G: Know how I am. How I get? (Aha... she doesn't want to narrow her moving options by their having too much knowledge). Don't tell them. Lie to them. (Now it's my turn to laugh...)
Me: Yes, they know. They are glad you are here with us and they want you to be safe too.
As we move from shower to 'styling chair' - I begin to blow dry Grandma's hair.
G: Is my hair white?
Me: Hmmm, I'm not sure, I'd say it's still more gray than white (though I notice the fresh outgrowth from her roots are much more snow colored than mouse... probably about the length of her time with us.)
G: I look in the mirror and I'm never sure.
Me: I could dye it a nice shade of red.
G: No! (laughing)
I help Grandma dress and then go change into my clothes for church. She goes downstairs, settles into her chair and says to DH, "Boy, If you ever want a good back rub, just go sit in that shower." (She fails to mention to take me along)
As DH and CeCe go out the door, I grab the remote control (the one Grandma isn't allowed to use) and brought up a Classic Gospel Hour.
Me: Here you go Mom - this will be almost as good as church today (that's easy to say to a woman who carries her Bible with her.... She becomes instantly glued to the screen like a child to their favorite animated program.)
I speak again to tell her when we'll return, but she is totally absorbed in the music. I smile. What a difference a day... a shower... and a little Gospel make. I head to the car as Grandma is singing, "He touched me and made me whole...."
So ends Episode 30.
Me: Why do you want to move out?
G: Well, I don't do what you want me to do.
Me: We just ask that you follow the same rules we follow Mom. Where do you think you'd go if you left here?
G: I haven't decided. I'll have to talk to my family. (the family she refers to would be my boys, her grandsons) I know they'd come and get me but I'm not sure who I'd stay with.
Me: Do you really think you'd be happier somewhere else? And is it worth more to you to live somewhere else than to not feed the dogs your lunch?
G: I don't know.
I was away from the house a couple hours yesterday morning. Grandma said she wanted to take a walk. DH told her she could do so, but not to cross the street. (We actually live in a unique area where you can walk around a three block perimeter without crossing a street.) He set the timer on the stove for 10 minutes, figuring if she wasn't back by then, he'd go on a search and rescue mission.
Ten minutes later, the timer sounds and DH puts on his shoes to go hunt Grandma down. She comes in the back door.
DH: I was just coming to look for you.
G: I went to Ace Hardware.
DH: Ace Hardware? You have to cross two streets to get there. You weren't supposed to cross any streets.
G: It was just a couple. I've been there before.
DH: But you're not to cross the street.
G: Then how could I get there?
Grandma and DH are now officially on the 'outs' ... each feeling the other is unreasonable. I return home to civil silence.
G: He's mad at me. Why can't I go to Ace Hardware?
Me: Mom, you got lost a week ago. We told you we can't let you cross the street unless someone is with you. What did you need at Ace?
G: I don't know, but I have shopped there for years.
Me: I realize that - but you didn't say you wanted to go there. DH didn't expect you to cross streets. He was ready to go look for you... I'm sure the last thing he wanted was to have to tell me when I came home that he's let you go for a walk and you never came back.
The civil silence now extends to me.
This morning I tell Grandma we need to do her shower. She's not happy but goes begrudgingly. During her shower, she seems much easier to reason with. When I got in to wash her back and hair, she said, "You take such good care of me."
Me: That's right, I do... do you think the boys (her grandsons) would give you this good a shower? (One son has compassionately told me that when "I" get old, he will gladly come over once a week and hose me down...)
G: (Laughing) No, I don't think so.
Me: So when you get mad at me... remember I'm just trying to take care of you and keep you safe.
G: I know that, and I don't get mad at you.
Me: Yes you do, and that's OK. You're mostly just frustrated about the things you can't do that you used to do. If you want to go to Ace Hardware, and we're home - that's OK. Just tell us. At least we'll know where to start looking if you don't come home.
G: I'm sorry. I know I get confused. Do the boys?
Me: Do they what?
G: Know how I am. How I get? (Aha... she doesn't want to narrow her moving options by their having too much knowledge). Don't tell them. Lie to them. (Now it's my turn to laugh...)
Me: Yes, they know. They are glad you are here with us and they want you to be safe too.
As we move from shower to 'styling chair' - I begin to blow dry Grandma's hair.
G: Is my hair white?
Me: Hmmm, I'm not sure, I'd say it's still more gray than white (though I notice the fresh outgrowth from her roots are much more snow colored than mouse... probably about the length of her time with us.)
G: I look in the mirror and I'm never sure.
Me: I could dye it a nice shade of red.
G: No! (laughing)
I help Grandma dress and then go change into my clothes for church. She goes downstairs, settles into her chair and says to DH, "Boy, If you ever want a good back rub, just go sit in that shower." (She fails to mention to take me along)
As DH and CeCe go out the door, I grab the remote control (the one Grandma isn't allowed to use) and brought up a Classic Gospel Hour.
Me: Here you go Mom - this will be almost as good as church today (that's easy to say to a woman who carries her Bible with her.... She becomes instantly glued to the screen like a child to their favorite animated program.)
I speak again to tell her when we'll return, but she is totally absorbed in the music. I smile. What a difference a day... a shower... and a little Gospel make. I head to the car as Grandma is singing, "He touched me and made me whole...."
So ends Episode 30.
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