Following, is not the episode I planned to post this week. The pre-empted episode will no doubt find its way here shortly, but today - it is being set aside, for the one that has been writing itself most of my life. Since today is Father's Day, I've chosen to blog about someone near and dear to my heart, as well as to Grandma's ... and that would be, Nana Mama's Daddy.
My Dad was 42 years old when I was born. As many men his age were welcoming their grandchildren into the world... Dad welcomed me (calling me his "Pride and Joy"). I always knew my very existence was precious to him and although his love wasn't contingent on anything I did - he continually pushed me to succeed. I imagine he was responsible for some of my successes too, because I don't remember wanting 'them' as much as I wanted to please him. I was definitely Daddy's Girl.
As I have stated before, my Mom did not have the benefit of that kind of upbringing. I'm not sure she ever felt loved by her father and any affirmation came from what she did, not for whom she was. When she married my Dad, her life changed dramatically and he treated her like a queen. There was a 13 year age difference between them. I don't think Mom could ever let go of her "performance mentality' but it didn't matter, as Dad encouraged and supported her in all her activities. My parents were "partners" - in business, home and social activities. It was sometimes interesting with both their Type A personalities - but they were happily married for 35 years, until death did they part.
I was 27 years old when my Dad passed away. My Mom was the age that I am now. The only child I had when Dad died, was twenty-three and a half months old - the exact age his first born child is now. The years have flown by. My first few Father's Days after Dad passed away, were very difficult - in part because few people my age had lost their fathers. Eventually they got easier... time eases pain - I celebrated memories.
For some reason, it has been harder again this year.
Since Mom came to live with us, she has revitalized Dad's presence. She enjoys reminiscing and telling stories about their life together. I am happy she can remember and don't even mind when her memories are slightly skewed. Mom's advancing age has brought back memories of my own - like when my Dad's mother was put in a nursing home at age 83. He hated it. I remember at age 14, running from the nursing home in tears because Grandma was tied in a chair and mumbled incoherently. She had only been there a few months. Dad followed me outside and tried to comfort me. It was just as hard for him to see her like that.
When my Dad was dying of cancer, he said he wanted to die at home. Mom did everything she could so that could happen. I recall talking with Dad in the days before he passed away. I don't remember his telling or asking me to 'take care' of Mom. There was no need to at that time. But nearly three decades later, as her memory began to fail and her physical stamina waned, I will not pretend that my Dad didn't have an influence on my wanting Mom to live with us.
Because, someday I am going to meet him again. It may be when I'm as old as Mom... or it may be before she dies... no matter. When it happens, I'll be able to look at him and tell him, as I did with the other events of my youth, "I did my best Dad..... I kept her happy and safe, for as long as I could."
It's one of the ways I live to honor him. Happy Father's Day Dad!
So ends Episode 32
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