Episode 60-She ain't heavy, she's my mother

I know it's been a while since I've blogged.  As I stated in episode 1 and have restated face to face with those who read regularly, I never intend to dishonor my mother.  She gets confused... she gets frustrated... her confusion frustrates me.  I try to see the humor in these life situations, reminding myself that this is part of the aging process.  There are many octogenarians who are fully lucid all the time - but there are also those in their 60's and 70's who suffer the same condition.  It sucks, but it is what it is.  Perhaps Grandma used that same phrase when I was a teenager: "It sucks, but it is what it is" (OK, probably not.)  The fact of the matter is, she's my Mom and we're doing what we feel called to do.

A couple weeks, ago a friend said to me that she thinks I'm in "over my head."  As I look back over my life I can barely see a time when I wasn't in over my head.  I occasionally  'long' for a time, in the water of life, to touch the bottom or back float peacefully.  Will it ever happen?  Grandma is at a point in her life now, where she no longer has things to do, to worry about or to make happen.  She wanted to go outside and sweep the porch after a snowstorm yesterday while DH was blowing snow.  We informed her that was not an option.

G:  I'm not good for anything.

Me:  Mom... you are good without doing anything.  You don't need to do anything.  We want to take care of you.... but that means keeping you safe.  If you go outside in the snow and fall and break your hip... we can't take care of you.  You'd have to go to the nursing home.  We don't want that and you don't either.

Grandma lived her whole life in 'over her head' ... maybe she complained about it sometimes, but it was who she was and what she did.  Maybe the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.  The tasks I choose to undertake are much different from those Grandma chose.... but it's who I am and what I do.  DH and CeCe are along for the ride.  I couldn't possibly do this alone.  We have always realized the time may come when we will no longer be able to care for her in our home.  I always pray when that time comes, it will be shown to us clearly.

I said to my friend:  "I just know it's part of God's plan right now, for her to be with us."  She responded:  "Do you think it's God's plan... or is it yours?"

And once again I can see the humor in life's situation...

Me:  Uh... I'm pretty sure it wasn't mine. :-)

That's OK - we're doing fine... Just living one day at a time with NanaMama's Mama...  cuz she ain't heavy... she's my mother.

So ends Episode 60