Episode 61 - Absolutely shocking

We watch alot of TV.  It's cheap, mindless entertainment.  Our primary genres are reality, drama and sports.  Add to this an occasional sitcom and our daily dose of All My Children.  We have accepted the fact that Grandma doesn't do well with crime dramas or the news and steer clear of them when she is viewing with us.  Of course, when she has her say - it is 'all Gaither, all the time' and we do our best to oblige her when we aren't watching ourselves.  In the basement, she has a large screen television with a looping dvd of six hours of gospel.  Sometimes she will choose to go down and watch her music rather than watch what we have on, but other times, she remains in the main level living room.

G:  What's this show you have on?

DH:  All My Children.

G:  There isn't any music on?

Me:  There is downstairs, but we're watching this now.

G:  I didn't know if there was any music on up here or not.

DH: (pauses TV)  You have music in your living room or we can put a different program on in your bedroom if you want...

G:  Maybe later.  (DH unpauses TV)

G:  (loud *sigh*) I can't believe the things they put on television.

G:  (louder *sigh*)  Are we going to have supper? (DH pauses TV)

Me:  We are going to have supper in a little while. Do you need a snack?

G:  No, I'll be fine.  I didn't know if we were going to eat tonight or not.

DH:  We eat supper every night.  (unpauses TV)

G:  I think (pause TV) I'll go upstairs for a little while.

Me:  OK, we'll call you when supper is ready.  (DH unpauses TV and Grandma exits)

We resume viewing only to be interrupted minutes later by Grandma's voice. (pause TV)

DH:  Yeah?  What do you need Grandma?

G:  Oh nothing, I was going to ask you about something but now I can't remember what it was.

Me:  Well if you think of it, write it down right away.

G:  You're still watching this?  What is it?

Me:  All My Children

G:  It's not a good show.

Me:  Probably not...

G:  What's wrong with the picture?

DH:  I just paused it. (unpauses TV)

Grandma is familiar with the "pause" button, which she refers to as "11" (think about it...).  Sometimes I'll start a recorded show for her and leave the 'complicated' remote on her footstool.  I'll tell her:

Me:  OK Mom, when you are ready to sit down and watch your music, press the button in the middle. (I used to put rubber bands on either side of the pause button, to make it obvious for her).

G:  Yes, I know how to do that.... I push eleven.

Back to AMC... the hour long soap takes approximately 38 minutes to watch, skipping commercials.  When Grandma is in the living room, it usually take a little more than an hour.

G:  Is that Erica? (pause TV)

Me:  Yes it is... you used to watch this show Mom, remember?  Erica was on it then too.

G:  I thought so.  (unpause TV) 

G:  The man who brought my lunch today was sure nice (pause mid sentence... unpause)

G:  The dogs were very good today (pause/unpause)

Me: (to DH) Maybe we should just watch this later.  (DH turns up the volume)

Now, I've watched AMC since I was 16 years old (when it first came on the air).  Many of the character feel like old friends and if I could spend a day anywhere... it just might be Pine Valley.  Is it too much to ask for 38 minutes of mind wasting drivel?

G:  *TSK*  I guess I'll go back upstairs (remember, she means the basement).

DH:  (pauses TV)  OK - we'll call you for supper. (unpause)

We're down to the last few minutes of the program when Grandma enters again, this time holding something in her hands.  (pause)

G:  Can I ask you something?

Me:  Sure.

She crosses over to where I am sitting and proceeds to sit down in the child's rocker that sits by my recliner.

G:  Do you think I can fit in here?

Me:  I don't know.  I wouldn't try it.  (She then squeezes into the "Baby Bear" chair, which fits snuggly around her rear end).

Me:  Mom, if you get stuck in there, it isn't going to be pretty....

G:  (laughing)  I don't suppose so.... Here, I want you to look at this (handing me the aerosol can she has in her hand).  What is it?

Me:  It says Static Guard.

G:  For my hair?

Me:  No... more like for your clothes - like if they are clinging due to static.

G:  But it would work for my hair wouldn't it?

Me:  I wouldn't think so.  Why would you want to put it on your hair?

G:  To keep it nice.

Me:  That's not what it's for.  (At this point my mind wanders back to grade school when we'd rub balloons on our hair to create static electricity to make the balloon become like a magnet... maybe she has a point.)

G:  Can I use it?

Me:  Oh I don't care.  Close your eyes when you spray it ... we can always wash it out.  Right now, we just really want to finish this show and then have supper... OK?

G:  That's fine... (retreating)

Me:  (to a dozing DH) Turn it back on please... there can't be too much left....

G:  No there isn't.  I saw it earlier today.

So ends Episode 61