Episode 67 – Sundown, you better take care (G.Lightfoot)

Three more weeks have gone by.  In that time, Mom has become progressively more confused.  About two weeks ago, we visited one evening after work – before her supper, for about 45 minutes.  In that time, she never once said anything that made sense.  She spoke of “meetings” and “decisions” with a myriad of “regarding to’s”, “for the purpose of’s”, and “as it pertains to's”.  Somewhere in my mother’s mind – there are committee meetings going on and she is the chairman of the board.  She speaks with an air of authority that would cause other CEOs to stop and listen – only to soon turn to one another, scratch their heads and say, “What is she talking about?”

                I know they have changed her medicine.  Perhaps it is the cause of the increased confusion.  Likely not, says one nurse.  From experience – she tells me that Mom is ‘lost.’ She is trying to adjust to her new environment, but it is different and difficult.  It's not to say she won't adjust.  It will take time.

                I went in for a patient family conference recently.  I wasn’t sure if it would be like a parent teacher conference or a parole hearing.  It was neither (not that I’ve ever been to a parole hearing).  I met with a nurse and the activity director who reported their observations to me and I shared my own.  We are, of course, all on the same page and want what is best for Mom … to help her become comfortable in her new surroundings and find enjoyment where she can.  They told me she tends to become anxious shortly after lunchtime, emptying the contents of her nightstand drawer and depositing it into the basket of her walker. “She’s packing up to ‘go home’ – and she’s restless”.  I mention that maybe putting her music on would help.  The Gaithers air at 2:00 for a couple hours.  They are on the INSP station which is channel 58 on her television.  The activities director writes it down.  They said her anxiety usually subsides after supper.  It must be then that she unpacks and decides to spend another night.  They say they have a name for these patients – Sundowners.  My heart is heavy as I leave my conference but my mind is assured that she is in a safe place where she is well cared for. 

                I saw Mom sitting in the dining room at a table with Harriet when I came out of the meeting.  She was smiling and happy to see me.  I told her I needed to get back to work but would be down the next evening.  It was late morning – she was in good spirits.  I needed that mental picture as I left the facility. 

                People ask me how she is doing… how we are adjusting… do I feel guilty? Relieved? Free?  I don’t know.  I’m tired.  I remember one night last month, when DH took CeCe to volleyball practice and I was home alone.  All alone.  For the first time in a year, I was in my home, by myself. 

We went to Omaha a couple weeks ago for a three night stay (again, volleyball).  As I was getting things around for the trip, I thought to myself: “What if Mom was still living here?”  I was quickly reminded of the planning and preparation it took whenever we left her.  Someone to stay, meals, meds, schedules, notes, back-up plans….  more notes.  I would be lying to say it wasn’t a relief and a bit freeing to be able to go and worry just about myself.  (I mean that literally too… DH and CeCe packed for themselves… he forgot his prescription medicines and she left part of her uniform at home).  It was unfortunate – but not my responsibility or fault.  I’m not my brother’s keeper… or my mother’s, husband’s or daughter’s. 

DH and I rearranged the basement apartment.  Most of Mom’s furniture is still there, along with more of our own.  I have flashbacks to a year ago… cleaning out D1 – what a difference a year has made.  I remember how foreign the basement first felt, filled with Grandma’s things. Now twelve months later, it seems odd without her. …

I know this wasn’t one of my usual light humored episodes.  I’m still processing.  I’m still sad.  Sometimes I cry.  The Golden Girls at the Care Center still give me reason to smile and even to laugh – and I’ll share more of those in another episode soon – but this is my therapy and if you can’t be honest in therapy… what’s the good of it?  Thanks for listening (and saving me $75).

So ends episode 67