Episode 74 - Precious Lord, take my hand

I had never been with anyone when they passed from this life. The grandparent I had been closest to, died in her sleep in a nursing home, which is how I had feared Grandma would die... alone. My Dad died in the night (not alone) at home. He had specifically told my Mom to tell me not to come by after work the day before. He knew his time was near, though the rest of us thought it was still weeks away. He was one of 'those', who waited... my Mom had taken a break that night at 3:00 a.m. leaving him alone with the neighbors who were helping her care for him.  He was awake and then he was gone. He didn't want to say good-bye.

Dementia or Alzheimer's has been called "the Long Goodbye". You begin to lose the person long before the body gives out. In most cases, the individuals forget most everything - sometimes even their closest family members. I had not yet prepared myself for that - Grandma still lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw any of us. She knew our names... her mind, though ransacked, had not been robbed.  For her heart to give out (which by the way, had always been strong) was in my opinion, a blessing. I thought we were in for a long good-bye. I was wrong.

Having the three sons together (that I'd given birth to) this week, allowed me to see my Dad in each.  None of them knew him (Belle's Daddy was 23 months old when he died) yet I can see his attributes in each.  My son from Chicago has Dad's analytical side. When we decided the morphine needed to be administered more regularly, he checked the exact time on his cell phone.  He was going to assure they kept on schedule. "Fourteen more minutes." I was guessing he'd give them two minutes of grace before summoning them by call button. A dose was administered  and the time was reset.  Another son has Dad's impulsive nature and the third, his "I'll find a way to make this happen."  They all share other characteristics of his. Dad was a big man - it should be no surprise it took three boys to fill his shoes... and in them, my Dad was there with me and with Mom.

The first night in the hospital, I slept curled up on the foot of Mom's bed. The second night, I slept part of the night on a cot with DH, then rejoined Mom for the last half of the night. I recalled as a child, creeping to her bedside in the night. "Mommy, I had a bad dream..." She would pull back the covers and into her bed I would crawl. Safe and secure from the bad dream. Here we were again... side by side.  Her breathing was predictable. Three shallow breaths, each a bit longer than the previous.... four, five, six and seven much stronger... eight, nine and ten waning back down. The eleventh breath was held for about 30 seconds. Apnea it's called. We grew accustom to the pattern. Now, I lay by my Mother in her final hours, in the same hospital she had held me in during my first days of life.

The third evening, the older sons and their families stayed until bedtime. They would rejoin us in the morning. We'd gotten two cots reserved for the night. DH and T. maneuvered them into the room and Bea made them up, one on each side of Grandma's bed.  The nurses had just repositioned her to her side and started a morphine drip. It would replace the injections they'd been making every 30 minutes into the IV she still had in her arm from the ambulance. It was a little after midnight.  At 12:15, I closed my laptop and placed it on the floor beside the cot. I could still hear the cadence of Mom's breathing. I rolled over to my side, knowing sleep would be pretty much instantaneous. 

T's voice woke me out of that brief slumber, "Mom! Quick... she's going!" I jumped up, wide awake and ran to her side. T.continued, "I heard something and looked up... her eyes were open." Bea positioned pillows under our knees and we knelt close to our Mom and Grandma. I again told her I loved her, thanked her and then, looking into her still open eyes, I sang my Mom one more song.

Precious Lord, take my hand

Lead me on, let me stand

I am tired, I am weak, I am worn

Through the storm, through the night

Lead me on to the light

Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

DH and Bea were standing behind us. Bea started singing Amazing Grace... we all joined in.

The journey was complete - the battle was over - with God's help, and in His time, we had walked this marvelous woman, all the way Home.

So ends Episode 74